Feb 20, 2015 | By: A Woman

Creating and Living in a supportive environment (part 1) - Day 505

Before I came to live on the farm, I had this idea that once I get here, I will immediately create friendship relationship with all the people who live here; soon enough, I realized that with our busy schedules, we don't have much time to socialize and create relationships with one another. Over the years, I was primarily creating relationship with the people I was sharing the same house with and that was it.

Couple of weeks ago, I faced a big part of  my preprogram design and for a moment, it all seemed to be just too much and a thought came up, wishing Bernard was here to support me with his insights and way of looking at things. With me having the tendency to walk my process alone and only sharing myself with the other farm people after I walked the whole design, I isolated myself from everything and everyone so that I can walk the points for/as myself without anyone seeing me in a state that I, in the mind, defined as weak/vulnerable.

At one point, the farm people became aware of the points that I was walking through and one by one, people came to me, spent time with me and stood as incredible support for me. Initially, I felt uncomfortable being completely open with them in sharing everything that I was facing but soon enough I realized that each one of them had a gift for me as they walked similar points during their processes. Interestingly enough, every time the thought of Bernard came up, someone showed up and shared with me how they faced the point in the past and how Bernard supported them to walk through it for themselves.

With me spending more time with other farm members, I realized that relationships are not something that can be given to you, it is something we can create with one another if we allow ourselves to open up and invest time with each other. This was the one thing I didn't take into consideration when I first came here - relationships build over time, it cannot just happened to you.

What also supported me with the process of developing relationships of support with the farm people was Blackie -

He has back leg injury and he couldn't stay at my house any more as the environment of our house is not as supportive as for instance, in the top house. When I looked at talking with them about the possibility of them taking care of Blackie in their house, there was a part of me that expected them to say 'no' because they already have too many dogs and a baby. The part of me who doubted their perceived answer was a memory from my past where I had to leave my dog behind and it was extremely difficult to find people who were willing to take care of the dog, not to mention that Blackie was injured and needed specific support and attention. When I finally took the step to go and talk to them about it, there was not even a split of a moment where they had to think about it - immediately they saw the whole point, why it is needed and how they can manage the support structure for Blackie.

The recent events made me look at the whole point of creating and living in a supportive environment with people who are living by principles where self-interest is second and what is best for the environment is first. I was looking at how can we expand this way of living so that more and more people would be able to create supportive environments for themselves, outside of the farm.

Understand that even for us, it was a process which firstly (and still) we walk with ourselves. When Bernard died, we all came together and made an agreement to stand as a pillar of support for each other. It is one thing to make the decision/agreement and it is a whole other thing to walk the decision/agreement as an expression of ourselves, moment by moment.

We had to create our decision/agreement to live by principles through which we can support one another. That didn't just happened in one day - this was something we had to create with ourselves and each other and it is the same for everyone who wishes to create a supportive environment for themselves, we must create it. Creation is a process that will take time though, the potential exists for everyone.

will continue in the next blog…

Jan 25, 2015 | By: A Woman

The other side of betrayal - Day 504

Continuing with my previous blog - Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503

Disclaimer - what I am about to share in this blog post, does not validate cheating and/or betrayal in anyway whatsoever though it will shed some light on 'why' sometimes these things are happening. Obviously, the whole playout can be prevented if we all become honest with ourselves and stop suppressing our expressions and  within it, be willing to be open with ourselves about that which is going on inside ourselves though this is another point that I will be opening up in my next blog.

There is no doubt that when a betrayal is done unto you, there is a lot of anger and mistrust playing out in the mind. One feels cheated on, insecure within oneself, doubting oneself - all in all, it is an unpleasant experience to be the one who is being betrayed.

The questions that I kept on asking when I felt betrayed was: "how could they do this to me?" - the question contained blame and anger and even though I asked the question, I did not want to look at the answer, I didn't want to take responsibility and understand 'why' this things can happen and within that, why is it that I must not take it personally. I didn't want to see that to a certain degree, I have done the same.

Once upon a time, I had a very very good male friend, we shared a deep connection with one another that I never could describe in words. For many years, I resisted the depth of our connection due to my unresolved relationships issues so I made sure that the boundaries between us are clear - we are just good friends and that was it.

Our friendship connection never compromised or interfered with our relationships with other people though we were substantially closer when both of us were single. This has been going on for years and while 'something more' has always been like a cloud in my mind, I resisted looking deep inside of myself to see what is it that I am really resisting.

To make a long story short as this been going on for years - at one point in time, I was single and he was in a relationship for almost a year. He was caught up in a life situation where he didn't have any communication with anyone and we were all worried for his life. For almost a month, I was in a state of concern, we all knew that there is a chance that he may be dead. Inside of me, I felt that the wall I was busy building all of these years is starting to crack down or in other words, the resistance that I had to see what I actually want from our relationship started to melt down and for the first time I was willing to admit to myself that our relationship is not just friendship relationship - it was far more than that, there was what I defined back than as love which to me, love, was something I always preferred walking away from as that would mean allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed which was something I feared doing.

After a month, out of the blue, he called me, he was alive - it was one of the most happiest days of my life but one of the most fearful days at the same time, because I had to face what I felt inside of myself. I was the first phone call he had made and a few hours later, he was at my door step, half dead inside but very much alive. Everything disappeared when I saw him - all that existed was us, and the historical connection that we shared with one another. It was an accumulation of many moments where we both knew that we were supposed to be together yet, none of us was willing to look in self-honesty and walk through the individual fears that kept us apart. We looked at each other's eyes and we both knew where we are going from that moment onwards. Honestly, I didn't consider his partner in that moment in time as I mentioned - in that evening, everything disappeared, morality disappeared, my fears were gone, it was a letting go moment.

To start with, us manifesting this moment while he is in a relationship, should not have happened. It could only happened because I was not honest with myself from the get go, from the moment I recognized that I am resisting walking a life path with him as my partner and accordingly pushing through my resistances. So again, I am in no way justifying or excuse myself from my responsibility though, I understand now why is it that sometimes, things like that happen and with that understanding, I am ready now to forgive those who were in my shoes where they find themselves in a difficult situation where a suppressed moment was 'here' to express. So, essentially – the moment him and I were together that evening, while he was in a relationship – was because we suppressed our self honesty over such a long time and then our honesty turned into DESIRE for one another and once the desire took over, pushing us to express our suppressions over so long, we did not consider reality, the implications and consequences of our actions as our desires for one another superseded considering ourselves and our relationship with others. Because looking back now, if I were honest from the beginning, if I did not accept and allow myself to suppress – him and I could have talked things over first, share what we feel / experience, make a decision to be together or not and then only first direct our relationship with others before creating something together. So, this is the point that we need to have a look at; how acting on desires can lead to consequences in relationships and not considering reality.

That also answered my next question - "why didn't they tell me before they started seeing each other?" - "Why was it done behind my back?" - Here again, sometimes things happens in a moment and you don't know where this moment would lead to. When he called me and I realized he was alive, when he showed up at my door step - our self-honesty played out for the first time in years. The only thing he could do was breaking the relationship off the next day when it was clear that he cannot continue walking a path with his partner. Again here, it is not to justify, it is to understand the forces behind people's behavior and to realize, it has nothing to do with the person who was 'cheated on' - it doesn't make them less at all, nothing is wrong with them - the connection is the directive force and interestingly enough, I now understand that one cannot choose connections - it either exists or it is not; if it does exists, and apart of you is aware of it, you must realize that there are going to be consequences for you allowing suppression to exists inside of you. When the connection is that strong, it is going to manifest in some way or another.

In my next blog post, I will be discussion the prevention process - how to support yourself when you see yourself suppressing a connection with another and how to prevent consequences where other people may get hurt when this connection can no longer be suppressed and a desire takes over.

Jan 21, 2015 | By: A Woman

Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503

Once upon a time, during my university years, I was involved with one of my class mate - I had a crush on him for quite a while and I saw a potential of us being together, creating a life together. When we started seeing each other, I could see that he was not into the relationship as I was but I decided to ignore the fact that something was completely off with us. It ended just as quick as it started but because we were studying together and I saw him every day, I still hoped that something of worth will come out of our friendship relationship.

Mt best friend at that time, who was also studying with us, knew that I had interest in having something more with that guy but little did I know that after I stopped seeing him, she started dating him and neither of them told me about that - I felt betrayed.

It is interesting because neither of them did something to me or took something from me - I was not really involved with the guy when they started dating. The problem with this all scenario was that all this time, he played games with me with continuous flirtation and sweet talk which I interoperated as him having interest in me which perpetuated the 'hope' that we may have something of worth in the future. With him acting as he did, I had no reason to think that there is something else going on with my friend and so, when I found out, I was in shock cause I didn't see it coming - the two people that I cared about had a relationship behind my back.

I felt betrayed and painfully hurt when I found out that they are together, I literally felt she stabbed a knife in my back because of so many reasons and I couldn't get myself to a point of forgiveness - I was angry, the trust I had in her was broken and I couldn't move pass the point and continue my friendship relationship with her so I removed her from my environment completely, didn't want anything to do with her. With him, I didn't feel that he betrayed me, I was upset, yes - but I was not angry at him as much as I was with her.

The challenge was seeing them together, coming to classes together, laughing, kissing and enjoying each other's presence - I felt that she took from me something that was supposed to be mine even though, it was never mine.

So what really happened? Why did I feel betrayed? Why was I consume with anger?

In this blog post, I will open up the primary point that I found while investigating this point for myself though there are many dimensions and layers that were involved.

If you followed my recent blog posts - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500 the things that I will be writing today will be clearer.

In our alternate mind reality, we create an illusion of how things "should" be and when the physical reality doesn't correspond with our creation of the mind we experience ourselves with negative emotions like for instance, depression, sadness, anger and so forth. The problem starts when we believe that the alternate reality that we created in our mind could have had a potential to manifest in the physical reality and so, we hold onto the hope that in some way or another, we will manifest our alternate reality exactly how it is in our minds.

For myself, every time I saw them together I faced the physical reality that was in conflict with my alternate reality and that created an experience of loss, a loss of the illusion that I created in my mind.

When positive feelings are involved, we tend to place a vail in the mind that prevents us from seeing the physical reality and what is really here. For example, there was nothing substantial that I created with the guy, our communication levels didn't have the depth that I would have wanted in a relationship and on many levels, when I was with him, I felt very empty. Even sexually, I couldn't really 'feel' him with me. But, there was something in him that I was attracted to which kept the alternate reality in the mind going and especially with me seeing him every day.

With seeing them together, the mind reality kept on activated because what I saw in the physical reality is them living my alternate reality that I wanted to create for myself with him so it was like unfulfilled desire playing out in front of my eyes all of the time. How I saw him with her was how I wanted him to be with me only that with me, it did not exist and I took it personally, as if something was wrong with me because "how come he choose her and not me" kept on coming up in my mind all of the time.

I think that was the most difficult part - not understanding why what I saw in him, the potential of him, is playing out with her, while I couldn't reach that level of intimacy with him.

Here what I found is my ego taking the driver sit instead of me looking directly at the physical reality. There are things that I cannot explain or clearly understand how it works but it is quite clear that with certain people you have specific types of connections. This connection is not always aligned and it is not an exact science - it is either 'here' or it is not but it is not something one can force.

They had a connection that was deeper than the connection that I had with him. The fact that they shared a deep connection doesn't define me as less or more, it has nothing to do with me actually but it was not how I saw it - I took it personally and defined me as less than her which was why I couldn't reach an absolute point of forgiveness as I kept on blaming her for taking something from me. In that, I lost - I lost my friendship relationship with her, and I lost my friendship relationship with him.

Will continue in my next blog post


Art work - The Betrayal by Michael James Toomy

Jan 11, 2015 | By: A Woman

Self Directive Principle - The creation of ourselves - Day 502

Continuing with my previous blogs where I ended off with:
"…In my next blog, I will open up the source of the sadness that I experienced before and after I met him and go into the specificity of why is it that in my mind, I separated myself from genuine self expression by associating expressions with different environments / people instead of realizing that Self-Expression is a decision that one is making in a moment of breath as who one is. In this also, why with not understanding what self expression is as a genuine expression of oneself, we project certain expressions onto others within the belief that they give us these expressions and without them, we cannot express that which we want to express and how this contribute to the Hope and Depression cycles…"

For context, please also read:

When I started writing this blog series, I had a clear idea as to where am I going with the blogs - opening up the dimension of hope and depression in the context of relationship and self expressions but what opened up was actually something else:
In exploring the time line of before, during and after the break up, I noticed for the first time that the sadness that I experienced before I met this guy was actually always there but very subtle, there was no energy in it and that was something that I never seriously looked at before as I gave more value to the intensity of the sadness that I experienced after the break up. When I went further into the substance of what that subtle sadness was, I saw that it was actually a 'sorrow' in the sense always seeing my potential and yet, not living to my utmost potential.

In a way, I accepted the core sorrow that I've been always aware of, as normal, because it had always been a part of me, from a very young age so I didn't know anything else. Interestingly enough, the day I met my ex-partner was the day that I started looking at this core sorrow though before I got to the reality of it, I was already in a relationship, completely distracted from what I was looking at and that was where I actually missed the whole point and accessed a decade of time loop.

So what I started opening up with myself in going back to this one day where I missed the point of 'sorrow' was as follows: in the physical reality, what actually happened was that I was never satisfied with how I moved myself in my reality because I always allowed external forces to direct me instead of me, in self honesty, deciding for myself who I am and what I want to live as/by. I defined myself as disempowered to direct my own reality and I blamed my environment and the people I was with as if they forced me to inferiority, insecurity, limited and disempowered expressions. This was as far as I could see that day in Thailand, when I made the decision to jump into a relationship with him as for a glimpse of a moment, I saw 'joy' coming out of me which I mistakenly connected with him being my partner.

Why am I saying 'glimpse of a moment' - here, self-honesty must be looked at as well, and when I am placing myself in my own shoes - even with the mind joy that I was exposed to while we were still together, on the deeper level, there was always a part of me that was like almost dead inside as if there was no life force in me, real sorrow which I didn't understand until recently. I mean, really in self honesty, I knew.. I knew what I was doing to myself but I allowed and consciously choose the mind reality to take over, hoping that things will change and I would live happily ever after with him.

Back to the point - what I found was a very strong belief that I had no power to decide who I am and what I would like to create for myself in this physical reality; that I cannot stand as my own directive principle within the environments that I was in as my power to direct is dependent on another's approval of me. that was why I was always looking for different environments and from a very young age, I was working and saving money to travel the world by myself, hoping to find the people/places where I can express myself. But no matter where I go and what people I was with, I never expressed me, the real me and I never understood WHY.

See the thing is, there was always a part of me who knew that I have the potential to become that which I saw myself able to become; that which I wanted to become; but I felt that I was stopped and believed it was my environment that was holding me back;  so as long as I didn't live and express myself to my utmost potential and actually directed myself as how I saw me moving myself in my reality, the sorrow was sitting in the depth of my beingness as if I am locked in a prison but at the same time, having in the palm of my hands the keys to my freedom. Meaning, the sorrow was on a beingness level, in knowing that I am the one prisoning myself in my own mind, in my own body and believing that I do not have the power to create and direct myself and my environment according to who I am, who I want to be and express, yet, knowing that this belief isn't real and that I actually can. This is why the core sorrow always followed me throughout my whole life, even slightly today as I haven't fully really ever created and directed myself, never really fully investigated who I am and what is it that I would like to create for myself within the realm of self-honesty as the principles I committed myself to live as/by.

When dropping the belief that I am unable to decide who I am, I started understanding the design/signature of the program that this belief consists of where what starting to be more clear is the living application of the realization that no one can do anything for, to or as me and therefore, no one can pull me out of my own created mind-misery that I defined and placed myself at, but it is me who have to create and move myself and thus live to my utmost potential that I see existing in me.

Fortunately, there was once someone in my life who showed me my ability and strength to create myself for myself and in that, break through the prison's walls that I have built inside myself. As long as he was here, I didn't experience that deep sorrow as with him and what he stood for - he didn't accept anything less than living to your upmost potential and he stood as a constant reminder and support for many of us.

When this person died, I for a moment "forgot" what he had shown me and I fell again to the pattern of wanting someone else to pull me out of my prison and direct my reality for me. With his death, the sorrow emerged again and it took me awhile to "remember" that which he had shown me, my potential and my ability to support myself to live to my utmost potential as a living expression of myself.
This person stood as a living example of the potential that we can become but on many levels, I wasn't yet willing to stand on my own two feet and become my own directive principle. For a very long time I was sad and angry at him passing away before I stood as my own directive principle but if anything, I now realize more than ever that his death, was the best thing that he could have done for me, as it forced me to stand up, to become the potential that he had shown us.

The correction here is to realize and physically live the realization that - I am my own creator and who I am is based on who I create myself to be and become in every given moment, in consideration of the interdependency connection with everything that is here. Meaning, being your own creator, your own directive principle, doesn't mean that you are almighty god without any physical limitations. One must consider other people in one's reality, consider time and space, consider potential consequences and so forth, consider everything that is 'here'. This I will expand more in future blogs as I walk these points for myself.

To bring this blog series into completion, we have to understand that hope, sadness, sorrow, depression, joy, etc as experiences that we are facing, can only exists when one is not standing as one's directive principle, it can only exists when one is abdicating one's responsibility to stand, investigate in self-honesty, create and direct oneself in one's reality where one is no longer for example passive, in awaiting mode but one is actually active in moving and expressing oneself based on the physical reality that one is a part of.

We made relationships in our mind as something that is separate from ourselves without realizing that the core relationship is with ourselves first, where we develop our own directive principle from which we can expand and physically walk with another. Thus, it is time to invert relationships back to ourselves where our primary and core relationship is with ourselves and only then, we would find the truth of ourselves, our unique self expression that is a creation of ourselves as the decisions that we make for ourselves in every given moment. 

Art work - The wild woman - www.pinterest.com
Jan 3, 2015 | By: A Woman

Expressions in separation - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Day 501

To walk through the dimension of the beliefs that certain expressions can only be expressed with a certain beings around, I will have to take you back to where I was at, back in the days, when I walked through the Hope/Depression cycles after a breakup. Thus, for context, please read my previous blog -

During the time I met my Ex-partner, I was going through extreme changes in my life. I started university, studying something that I didn't enjoy and within me felt that the freedom to decide who I wanted to be and become was taken away from me. I wasn't satisfied from where my life were going and I started having the feeling that something is wrong with this world - that people cannot be trusted but I couldn't really pinpoint the source of that which I started seeing in the world and in people. At this stage in time, I didn't allow people to go into the depth of me very easily so I chose very carefully whom am I getting in and whom am I keeping in distance. My environment was one of these environments where I couldn't trust the intentions of people so in many ways, I felt alone even though I was surrounded with a lot of people all of the time.

The day we met, I was with my friends in Thailand, it was one of these days where I was looking at my life, at who I am in relation to my environment and I felt sadness - I felt that I'm not expressing who I really am but following life like a mainstream sheep. I was sitting in a place where there were many people around me, yet I 'felt' alone and suddenly this guy is sitting next to me and the first question he asked me was: "why are you sad?". It was shocking because I couldn't understand how the hell someone could see into me to such specificity. I felt that my privacy was intruded and I pushed this guy away from me - not allowing myself to face the question and allowing this stranger to be an objective sounding board / support so that potentially, I could step out of the sadness that I felt inside.

Fortunately, this guy was persistent and to make a long story short, there was a window of opportunity for us to get to know each other and for me to discuss the sadness that I was experiencing as I was "stuck" in the same airplane with him for 12 hours on our way back home. When we came home, it was clear to the both of us that we are jumping up the relationship wagon straight into the deep water.

What started to come out of me more was what I believed to be "self-expression of joy" because I didn't experience the sadness that I felt before I met him to such extreme though at the same time, I understand now that I  was more into the mind reality than in the physical reality, and that actually created the illusion of me expressing joy which I was obviously not aware of back then (Again, if you didn't read the previous 2 blogs, you might as well stop here and catch up to be able to understand what does it mean mind reality vs. physical reality). 

With him, I was expose to self-expressions that I haven't experience before - there was something about him that activated parts of myself that I didn't know existing - for the first time in my life I was relaxed, calm, myself, enjoying me with the presence of another. Our direct environments were different in nature, cultural wise - I saw my environment as fake with no real substance, chasing money and success and his environment was more grounded, down to earth and I really enjoyed it, I could resonate with his environment much better than mine so on many levels, I believed that with him, I was at 'home', not seeing how I have separated myself from myself within the belief that I am is what my environment tells me that I am.

So with me wanting to express and experience happiness and joy more as I haven't had it before in my life, I gave all of myself to the relationship, hoping I will forever continue expressing and experiencing joy which I believed that this happiness and joy can only be expressed with him being a part of my life as if he was the one who gave happiness and joy to me. Thus, when we broke up and the illusion of joy and happiness could be no more, I fell really hard into the sadness and depression while consistently hoping we will be together again so that I could express and experience all these feelings again, that I believe can only be experienced and expressed with him being with me. (For more context read - The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499 ) It's like I made the decision to not express joy and happiness unless we are together as joy and happiness belong to us being together, not realizing that self expression has to do with who I am and what I decide to express in any given moment as myself, regardless of whom is in my environment.

In my next blog, I will open up the source of the sadness that I experienced before and after I met him and go into the specificity of why is it that in my mind, I separated myself from genuine self expression by associating expressions with different environments / people instead of realizing that Self-Expression is a decision that one is making in a moment of breath as who one is. In this also, why with not understanding what self expression is as a genuine expression of oneself, we project certain expressions onto others within the belief that they give us these expressions and without them, we cannot express that which we want to express and how this contribute to the Hope and Depression cycles.  

Dec 30, 2014 | By: A Woman

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500

Within my investigation of the design of Depression and it's relationship to Hope, I have found two primary dimensions inside of myself - 

  1. The belief that certain self-expressions that came out of me during the relationship can only be expressed within the same relationship structure.
  2. Not wanting to face physical reality, self-responsibilities and self-honesty within the realization that primarily, the relationship was always on a mind level and not really on a physical level.

So what does it mean Mind Reality Vs. Physical Reality and what is its relationship to depression and hope?
The mind reality within the concept of relationship is when everything seems to be so good, it is the honeymoon phase where positive energy is the relationship's directive principle and this positive energy is sustain because everything feels so happy and good all of the time. It is when one believe that they found that which they were looking for and the partner they are walking with fits entirely with the profile of what one had wanted for oneself. It is when self-honesty doesn't yet existent and both are presenting only the parts of themselves that would attract the other partner, the good parts that will make the other partner want to be with them. It is the phase where one, for a moment, can let go of one's physical reality's responsibilities and indulge in an experience of 'falling in love', not really conceptualize that we are actually falling, falling into the deep realm of the mind and energy instead of creating a relationship that is based on real physical support and worth where the two are expanding and growing themselves with the support of the other.

During this phase, where the positive energy is very much in the front of the relationship, the partners start to project  all these ideas and thoughts and future plans onto each other, and the relationship is primarily build on a mind level fueled with a lot of positive energy that the partners keep generating with one another.

At some stage, the energy starts to fade away and the physical reality kicks in where one or both partners starting to question the relationship and really look practically at the relationship and the future of the relationship.

With me and the relationship that I was walking with another many years ago, I was stuck for a long time on the mind reality of the relationship while my partner started to come down to the physical reality, looking at what we have created and whether we could practically walk this life together in terms of where him and I was at. Practically, we were coming from two different worlds where he had ambitions that he wanted to follow through with and I were at a stage in my life where I did not see anything but us being together all of the time. So while I believed that we are absolutely synchronize within what we want to create for ourselves as a mind relationship, he was already starting to look at the practicality of things which was misaligned with the future plans that we have created while on Positive energy during the honeymoon phase. The problem here obviously was that he didn't know how to communicate these points with me so I was completely in the dark as to where he was at - his physical application and what he was looking at inside of him where not equal and one meaning - he continued participating with me on a mind level while being in conflict with himself and I had no idea that he was looking at all of these things until it was already too late.

When I started coming down of the mind reality and looked at what is it that I wanted for myself and what is it that I will accept and allow and what will I not, I stood up when I saw misalignment with him making a decision that I saw as disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. Though, while he was in the physical reality for quite some time and I only started coming back, in the first moment I showed dissatisfaction from where we were at, he used this window of opportunity to give up on the relationship and end it, justifying that I need and deserve more than what he was able to give me. Though, I wasn't yet completely in the physical reality and was not ready to give up on the mind reality and therefore, couldn't accept the end of the relationship as within me, for the most part, everything between us was still super awesome except of this one small misalignment that we need to look at and walk solutions.

So in being primarily in the mind relationship reality, I was consistently bouncing back to everything that was good with the relationship, holding on to these memories and moments within the positive energy, believing that that was real, that it was the potential of the relationship that I still wanted to live and experience. While the mind reality no longer met the physical reality as we were already not walking a relationship together, I still believed the mind reality more which is where the 'hope' dimension came in, trying to get ourselves back to the mind reality relationship where I used to feel happy and satisfied. I couldn't understand why the mind reality isn't manifesting in the physical reality and within that, couldn't let go of the mind reality that I was busy creating for months. Meaning, in my mind reality, the relationship that we walked was real, the future projection that we planned for ourselves was real, the life that we planned to create for ourselves was real and within that, the hope that everything will go back to where it was, was very much real.
I couldn't understand what happened and why we were no longer together because I experienced all these feelings that I believed to be real and mutual, not understanding that all of that just happened in our minds which is why I couldn't let go of the hope that one day, somehow, we will be together again.

Within that process of hope, I went into a vicious cycle that lasted for years where in the mind I believed that the relationship was real and was hoping for a second chance and every time the physical reality didn't meet with the mind reality, I went into depression and as I was in depression, the mind reality kicked in again as hope, that led to depression and so on.

What did I learn about myself over the years of walking process - the honeymoon phase consists of many layers of programming on all levels of the mind and if I am not aware of the programming that are involved, I will follow through the preprogram design and fall into the energy that it consists of. I made the same mistake again recently where I went into the mind reality too fast too soon but this time, I was aware of what I was doing but consciously choosing to indulge in this energy that I haven't experienced for years. Though, what I haven't done to support myself was to ground myself while walking through these preprograming designs to ensure that I remain here, stable, consistent in my living application as who I am, what I stand for and what is it that I self honestly want to create for myself. Within that, I lost ground with myself and the physical reality instead of preparing myself to when the partner is coming down of his mind reality which is when we can actually start walking a relationship together that is based on real physical and practical principles.

So when the partner came down of his mind reality, I wasn't ready and prepared and I tried to keep for just one more moment the mind reality. Then, when I finally was willing to face the physical reality and take responsibility for the mind reality that I was busy creating, the partner wasn't in alignment with where I was at in wanting to start over and walk the relationship properly which was when I saw myself going into the hope dimension all over again.

Only that this time, it was unacceptable for me as I knew where this hope will take me and I understood what this hope design was all about. Within that I could see in self honesty that in essence, we actually didn't walked a relationship with one another, we walked a mind relationship with ourselves, superimposing the relationship onto another and thus, we could not really start over as there was no real and solid foundation to move from.

This doesn't take the fact that every so often, the mind comes up and bring the hope dimension based on the mind reality memories and experiences that we shared for a moment - this is where self-honesty is my directive principle where I support myself to ground myself in the physical reality, seeing things for what it really is and stop immediately my participation with hope.

It is important to not judge oneself when 'hope' comes up as feelings, emotions or thoughts - understand that while being in the mind reality, a lot of energy was used and for the energy to absolutely stop, it will take some physical moments for me to completely stop participation until the energy fades away. I am actually grateful for the experiences even though it is not easy ones to walk as there are a lot of programming that are coming out for me to face. Though - I learned a lot about my own programming and how to support and ground myself to be able to create effective relationships with myself primarily and with another as well.

So if you are willing to learn from my mistakes, when you meet someone, make sure you are still grounded inside yourself and in touch with the physical reality. It is ok to allow yourself to experience the initial phase of the honeymoon though you must be aware of that which you are participating with and prepare yourself and your partner to when the honeymoon phase is over and the real relationship creation and development starts when both partners come down of the mind reality, back into the physical reality.

In the next blog, I will be focusing on self expression and the belief that certain self expressions can only be expressed with a specific partner and how this belief is actually the attempt of the hope energy to continue existing in the mind reality.

David Smith Artwork 'Woman reflecting focus', 2013. Acrylic Painting. Glamor.
Dec 29, 2014 | By: A Woman

The relationship between Hope and Depression (introduction) - Day 499

Long long time ago, I faced a break-up with a partner whom I believed to be the 'One'. I didn't handle the break-up very well and went into a long time-loop of depression that lasted for years. I didn't understand the source of the depression until recently. In fact, back then, I justified the existence of depression inside of me by believing that time will cure that which I experienced however recent events forced me to look again at the depression dynamic and what I found within that was 'hope' at the other side of the polarity.

To explain the design of Depression and Hope, I will use the break-up example that I faced long time ago - There was a part of me who couldn't accept it was done/over - a part where I hoped that something would change and we would be together again. During the first 6 months after the break-up, I experienced myself within a deep depression - hoping to find ways to turn the wheels and get us back together again. For example, on my birthday, I invited my friends to a bar that I went with my Ex-partner one night; a bar that my Ex-partner and I created positive experiences together. I remember how in the mind I was hoping that my Ex-partner will show up to my birthday party and give me the best birthday present - himself.
It is interesting to see now how even though I knew he would not come, I still held onto a slight which manifested as intense depression experience. So when the party was about to be done and my Ex-partner didn't show up, and physical reality knocked on my door - extreme sadness and depression possessed me.

I remember how I allowed this image in my mind to exists - it felt so good for a moment and I just wanted to indulge in this experience of hope that he would show up to my birthday. With me indulging in the positive mind experience of hope, I took myself away, for just a moment, from the depression that I was consistently experiencing - but what I haven't considered was - the longer I stood with 'hope' inside of me, the longer I went into the depression cycle when the mind reality and the physical reality didn't manifest the same outcome.

After 6 months, I decided that I must be more directive so I drove down to see him, hoping that when he see me, all the good/positive memories will come back to him and from there, we would again be together. For a moment, that actually what happened - it felt like my dream came through and we are going to be together again. We talked for hours and decided to take it one step at a time and see where we will be heading BUT - he was already scheduled to leave the country for 2 months and he asked that we will see where we are at once he comes back. For more context, this was in a time where internet was not accessible enough to maintaining consistent overseas relationship so in other words, our relationship faced the separation challenges where we were not involved in each other lives for 2 months.
Again, hope was my directive principle and I didn't read the physical reality correctly - in his mind, we were not together and we could see other people during these 2 months and if we were both single when he was back,  we could reassess whether we still want to walk a relationship together. In my mind, we are together though, we are allowed to see other people and when he comes back, there was no doubt about the relationship. What contributed to this hope/belief was when we met once again before he left the country and with a little bit of alcohol, I believed that the 'truth' came out where he started crying and tolf me how sorry he was for breaking up with me, how much he loved me and so forth. 

On many levels I did understand what is it that I am allowing within that decision of only reassessing where we are when he was back but to me, I was clear in how I saw the point as even if I meet someone during these 2 months, it won't override what I felt about him, it will not take away my hope of us going back  together. And so, when I did meet someone, I only took it to a point of playing and having fun with each other but nothing more serious than that. Though at the same time, when he met someone overseas, he created a relationship with another that was strong enough to let me go inside of himself.

Not knowing that he already was in a serious relationship during his overseas period, I was planning to make international call on his birthday as an excuse to talk to him, hear his voice and feel him. My anticipation and excitement about this call was massive, also because our first kiss was on his birthday so it was 'meaningful day' in how I made it in my mind. 10 seconds after I made the call, I knew that something was off with him - he already was in a relationship and me, as the hope that I was carrying inside of me, crushed.

This was supposed to be the point where the 'hope' could no longer exists inside of me but interestingly enough, it sure did. For years I hoped that one day he will wake up and realize he had made a mistake and I will be waiting with open harms to forgive him and continue our path together. Here you must understand that I didn't see myself carrying 'hope' per say - all I could see and experience was 'justified' depression. Meaning, I wasn't so conscious about the Hope and I didn't see how I am directing my reality according to this hope and how much of this hope contributed to my depression.

Within this 'unseen hope and the justified depression', I sabotaged any form of worthwhile relationships with other people. Both with new potential partners and with old friends who couldn't understand what I was going through and I couldn't handle them not accepting the depression I was experiencing to the extent of removing these friends from my reality.

With potential partners - I unconsciously wanted to be available for when the Ex was ready to come back together. Meaning, I didn't allow myself to commit to any other partner as that would mean that the Ex and myself will never be together. All this time I thought that I didn't want to face a lose again and that was why I didn't want to commit to any relationship but in self honesty I am seeing now that it was the 'hope' that I didn't want to let go for a very long time.

Looking at myself back then, I cannot say that I didn't see the 'hope' dimension at all - the hope was there in my living application and the choices that I have made; for example, I consciously hooked up with celebrities, hoping to be seen in the gossip section of the newspaper so that the Ex would see and get jealous and run back to me.
Unfortunately, I did not have the tools that I have today to truly introspect and investigate that which I was doing to myself. After a few years, I found the power inside of me to delete him from my world - no phone number, no FaceBook, no going out to where I may see him. That was the first step but With the depression being an accepted state of mind, I gave up on relationships for almost a decade inside of myself, just because I didn't understand how to support myself to let go of the depression through letting go of the hope.

These days, I am facing the same point again but within self-empowered view where I do not accept and allow myself to linger into emotions and feelings that do not stand equal and one with who I am today as the path that I've walked in developing self-worth, self-trust and understanding of myself. These days, I will not just wait for time to cure me, I am taking full responsibility for playouts in my life and accordingly, I learn from the experiences that I am facing, getting to know parts of myself that I haven't seen before and thus, self-empowering myself to not make the same mistakes again as one thing is clear - I can never lose myself again, I am always here. 

So here was some examples of how the Hope-Depression polarity played out in my life and in the next blog I will be focusing more on how and why do we hold onto 'Hope'? Why can't we let go of the Hope? 
I will be sharing about 2 dimensions that I have found for myself so far:
  1. The belief that certain self-expressions that came out of me during the relationship can only be expressed within the same relationship structure.
  2. Not wanting to face physical reality, self-responsibilities and self-honesty within the realization that primarily, the relationship was always on a mind level and not really on a physical level.
And later on, I will also share practical assistance and support of how to stop the Hope/Depression cycle within ourselves and allow ourselves to just be, explore and live.