Continuing with my previous blog - Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503
Disclaimer - what I am about to share in this blog post, does not validate cheating and/or betrayal in anyway whatsoever though it will shed some light on 'why' sometimes these things are happening. Obviously, the whole playout can be prevented if we all become honest with ourselves and stop suppressing our expressions and within it, be willing to be open with ourselves about that which is going on inside ourselves though this is another point that I will be opening up in my next blog.
There is no doubt that when a betrayal is done unto you, there is a lot of anger and mistrust playing out in the mind. One feels cheated on, insecure within oneself, doubting oneself - all in all, it is an unpleasant experience to be the one who is being betrayed.
The questions that I kept on asking when I felt betrayed was: "how could they do this to me?" - the question contained blame and anger and even though I asked the question, I did not want to look at the answer, I didn't want to take responsibility and understand 'why' this things can happen and within that, why is it that I must not take it personally. I didn't want to see that to a certain degree, I have done the same.
Once upon a time, I had a very very good male friend, we shared a deep connection with one another that I never could describe in words. For many years, I resisted the depth of our connection due to my unresolved relationships issues so I made sure that the boundaries between us are clear - we are just good friends and that was it.
Our friendship connection never compromised or interfered with our relationships with other people though we were substantially closer when both of us were single. This has been going on for years and while 'something more' has always been like a cloud in my mind, I resisted looking deep inside of myself to see what is it that I am really resisting.
To make a long story short as this been going on for years - at one point in time, I was single and he was in a relationship for almost a year. He was caught up in a life situation where he didn't have any communication with anyone and we were all worried for his life. For almost a month, I was in a state of concern, we all knew that there is a chance that he may be dead. Inside of me, I felt that the wall I was busy building all of these years is starting to crack down or in other words, the resistance that I had to see what I actually want from our relationship started to melt down and for the first time I was willing to admit to myself that our relationship is not just friendship relationship - it was far more than that, there was what I defined back than as love which to me, love, was something I always preferred walking away from as that would mean allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed which was something I feared doing.
After a month, out of the blue, he called me, he was alive - it was one of the most happiest days of my life but one of the most fearful days at the same time, because I had to face what I felt inside of myself. I was the first phone call he had made and a few hours later, he was at my door step, half dead inside but very much alive. Everything disappeared when I saw him - all that existed was us, and the historical connection that we shared with one another. It was an accumulation of many moments where we both knew that we were supposed to be together yet, none of us was willing to look in self-honesty and walk through the individual fears that kept us apart. We looked at each other's eyes and we both knew where we are going from that moment onwards. Honestly, I didn't consider his partner in that moment in time as I mentioned - in that evening, everything disappeared, morality disappeared, my fears were gone, it was a letting go moment.
To start with, us manifesting this moment while he is in a relationship, should not have happened. It could only happened because I was not honest with myself from the get go, from the moment I recognized that I am resisting walking a life path with him as my partner and accordingly pushing through my resistances. So again, I am in no way justifying or excuse myself from my responsibility though, I understand now why is it that sometimes, things like that happen and with that understanding, I am ready now to forgive those who were in my shoes where they find themselves in a difficult situation where a suppressed moment was 'here' to express. So, essentially – the moment him and I were together that evening, while he was in a relationship – was because we suppressed our self honesty over such a long time and then our honesty turned into DESIRE for one another and once the desire took over, pushing us to express our suppressions over so long, we did not consider reality, the implications and consequences of our actions as our desires for one another superseded considering ourselves and our relationship with others. Because looking back now, if I were honest from the beginning, if I did not accept and allow myself to suppress – him and I could have talked things over first, share what we feel / experience, make a decision to be together or not and then only first direct our relationship with others before creating something together. So, this is the point that we need to have a look at; how acting on desires can lead to consequences in relationships and not considering reality.
That also answered my next question - "why didn't they tell me before they started seeing each other?" - "Why was it done behind my back?" - Here again, sometimes things happens in a moment and you don't know where this moment would lead to. When he called me and I realized he was alive, when he showed up at my door step - our self-honesty played out for the first time in years. The only thing he could do was breaking the relationship off the next day when it was clear that he cannot continue walking a path with his partner. Again here, it is not to justify, it is to understand the forces behind people's behavior and to realize, it has nothing to do with the person who was 'cheated on' - it doesn't make them less at all, nothing is wrong with them - the connection is the directive force and interestingly enough, I now understand that one cannot choose connections - it either exists or it is not; if it does exists, and apart of you is aware of it, you must realize that there are going to be consequences for you allowing suppression to exists inside of you. When the connection is that strong, it is going to manifest in some way or another.
In my next blog post, I will be discussion the prevention process - how to support yourself when you see yourself suppressing a connection with another and how to prevent consequences where other people may get hurt when this connection can no longer be suppressed and a desire takes over.