Have you ever felt uncomfortable around new people? Have you ever changed your behavior when meeting new people? Have you faced social fears and anxiety around people that you have recently met? Well, I sure did and the interesting thing is that I thought it was normal, it was just me being shy and taking my time to get to know the people in my environment. Recently I started questioning and investigating this point internally and externally and hell, this is not normal; in fact, it is uncomfortable to feel uncomfortable; it is exhausting to change my personality around new people - it is much more enjoyable to just be me, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow no matter who I face in my direct environment.
What I have found within myself when meeting new people is a point of self-diminishment where I would assess in that moment who I believe the other person is and what would the other person expect me to be so that I would be accepted in their eyes' view. After making the initial assessment, I would then mold and change myself to what I believe to be the most suitable personality and accordingly, I would present myself to the other person within that specific personality. But who I am in those moments?
So I started exploring myself in new environments, seeing the thought patterns that comes up, seeing how I would assess the environment and how I would make the decision to lock and block my expression to suite what I believed the environment wants me to express.
This opened a whole can of worms inside of me as I was going back in time, looking at my life and realized that more than often, I did things to please other people, did things that I thought other people would have expected of me, doing and saying the 'right' things to make sure there is no frictions in my relationships with others but on a deeper dimensions, I was indirectly seeking for others' approval of me while in fact
never actually allowing 'me'
to be fully expressed and lived as I was always controlling my expression to
only express that which I believed others would feel comfortable/pleased with.
Within this, I created ineffective relationships where I was trying to get something out of the relationship as an idea that I had created in the mind and within that, not allowing myself to really explore and get to know people because that may be in friction to how I had believed they would have see me, and therefore simultaneously had created my own imprisonment where I projected onto people that they wanted me to be a certain way and thus limiting my own self-expression through the fear of them not wanting to be around me if I do not 'fit' a particular profile.
I can no longer live with this imprisoned beliefs and therefor I say stop - I will no longer accept and allow this idea to govern my reality and who I am within my self-expression.
I reached a point in my life where I no longer want to fight with myself, no longer want to experience fluctuation of energies, I just want to be, to express me.. No more having to mold and change myself for other people, I had enough.
So I am committed to walk the physical change from imprisoned and diminished expression to a fully lived expression as who I am in any given moment of breath. Will share more as I continue walking this path of self expression.