Apr 1, 2015 | By: A Woman

How one THOUGHT can influence the course of your Life - Day 508

A point opened up today when talking with a friend about how one single thought, during the formative years, can influence the way we move and direct ourselves in our reality. It is interesting how us grownups, do not take into consideration how our words and deeds influence the people around us and especially children, who takes in the information so literally and make instant decisions about who and what they are accordingly.

This can be anything from - "why are you so slow in doing your homework" where the child now believes that society sees them as slow learners and this is now how they define themselves as who they are; or - "look at this girl, she dance so funny" where the child now realizes that when you place/express yourself in public, you will be judged by others and so you need to really be self-conscious about every move you make to make sure you give no reason for anyone to judge you - Here a potential decision that the child may make is to limit and contain their natural self-expression within the fear of being judged by others; another example - "look at your brother, how successful he is, I am so proud at him" where the child now feels that they must compete with their siblings so that the parent won't be disappointed with them and now the child will decide to suppress their natural skills and only work with what they believe would make their parents happy with them.

I've been looking at my own reality and how through one single statement that was spoken to me when I was a child, I made it so absolute in my mind to a point of suppressing my natural expression in public. I remember as a child how much I enjoyed dancing and I never had issues with dancing around other people, performing and participating in shows until one day where I was watching dancing performance that my friends participated in and my brother was sitting next to me and made a negative remark about one of the girl's dancing ability and in that moment, a thought came up - "what if other people were also judging how I danced". It was the first time that I actually considered the possibility of people judging the way I danced.

From that moment onwards, I developed a high sense of 'self-conscious' thought pattern when I was around other people - I didn't want to dance, I didn't allowed myself to sing - things that I really enjoyed expressing, I believed that I could no longer do/express. Every time the opportunity to sing and specifically dance came up, the memory of that day where my brother judged my friend's dancing ability came up, as a reminder that I must not express myself in public if I don't want people to judge me.

Fascinating enough, when no one was around and I was all alone - I would secretly put on the music and dance. It is quite ridiculous if you think about it - me naturally enjoying to express myself through dancing and yet, allowing one thought memory to influence me to such an extreme where I believed I cannot express myself through dancing when people are around.

Later on in life, going out clubbing with friends became part of my reality but to me.. That was a nightmare - I just couldn't dance - this one thought, about the possibility of people judging me like how my brother judged that girl, prevented me from expressing myself through dancing. My friends pushed me to dance and the more they pushed, the more I resisted dancing because now, if I dared and danced, all the eyes would have been on me and the possibility of me being judged was on the line. The only way I could get myself to dance was by having lots of alcohol so that if anyone judges me, I could blame the alcohol. So for couple of years, I danced and hit the dancing floor lol but, under the influence of alcohol so in essence, I wasn't really expressing myself but allowed the alcohol to take the directive sit of my expression whereas even under the influence of alcohol I was very much self-conscious about my dancing movement and the people around me.

As I grew up of the alcohol and clubbing scene, I decided to stop having alcohol completely and without alcohol, I stopped going clubbing because I believed there was no point to it meaning, I knew I will not dance without alcohol.

Couple of years after, my roommate insisted that I come with her to a party and obviously, I refused but she kept on pushing because she knew how much I enjoyed dancing as she was the only one I shared my secret dancing sessions with and every so often we played music in our house and 'secretly' danced.

With her pushing me to come with her when she went out I eventually did go dance with her one night and with her support, I danced, still very much restricted because now, in my mind, I had to also let go of the connection I created previously between alcohol and dancing. After couple of years and lots of Self-Forgiveness in investigating all the lines of information, emotions, feelings, pictures and memories that I created in my mind, I reached the point where I allowed my natural expression to come through around other people where I no longer have that thought memory from my childhood governing who or how I express myself.

So parents and adults, It took me over 20 years to move past the point from when my brother made that remark to where I am able to fully express myself in dancing. We really have to be aware of the words we speak around the children, to be aware of the influence we have on their life within the decisions that they make, based on what they hear or observe us doing. If you haven't already, I suggest listening to 'Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race' to support you with preventing such moments that can lead to your child making life decisions they would rather live without.

Mar 17, 2015 | By: A Woman

Learning a new language - Day 508

colour of words by wosene kosrof, via art propelledI've been in South Africa for more than 3 years now but I always refused learning Afrikaans - I kept on telling myself that I must first perfect my English before attempting to learn another language, that English is tough enough, learning another language will be too complicated... I can really give you a long list of excuses of why I should not learn Afrikaans but the truth is - I believed that I can't, that i am too old to learn a new language and mostly, I believed that I am unable to learn and integrate new information effectively enough and I didn't want to risk seeing that my assumption is real.

My high school learning experience wasn't one that empowered me to succeed and the imprint that was left inside of me since high school was of a failure. It was not that I was failing per say, I actually got very good marks but I could have done better if I wouldn't give up on myself since the first time I didn't succeed in a test as how I expected of myself. It was a struggle for me to consider higher education and with a lot of pressure from my family, I eventually studied law and business and even though I felt inferior all the way through university, my marks were again pretty good even though I invested very limited time in studying.

It is interesting how even with having good marks and achievements in university, my internal experience was of a failure. There was a part of me who knew that I could have done more, be more, if I wouldn't accept my own self-limitations. But the fear of proving to myself that I am a failure when investing time and effort in studying new material was something I was not willing to face. I preferred investing as little time as possible in my studies and make the best out of it because I always found a way around it, if that make sense.

The experience of being inferior and failure when it comes to learning followed me ever since which was why learning Afrikaans was something I was not willing to do. It is interesting how an idea of oneself becomes self-prophecy through which we use our experiences to validate our ideas of ourselves. With me and Afrikaans - every time someone would try and teach me a word, I would repeat it and try to remember it but inside of me, there was a 'knowing' that I will forget the word the next moment because after all, I am a failure so I didn't even bothered expanding my Afrikaans vocabulary.

In the past few weeks, Afrikaans was spoken more frequently around me and I became annoyed that I don't understand what people are speaking about. I kept on asking them to switch to English but every so often the Afrikaans kicked in again and I felt disempowered for not being able to participate in the discussions around me. So, I had to make a decision - Am I going to be annoyed each time I hear Afrikaans and within that accept my own limitations OR, I will expand my reality and learn Afrikaans? Well.. I decided to go with Self-Empowerment lol.

I asked a friend to teach me Afrikaans and she gratefully took upon herself the challenge. In the first few days, I made a decision to only integrate one word a day as at that stage, I still believed I was limited, failure and unable to integrate more than one word a day. 2 weeks have passed and I increased my Afrikaans vocabulary with 14 words lol and then, one day, I had couple of hours during a drive to a training function and I thought to myself, I might as well use this time to learn a few more words. So she started teaching me the days of the week and I surprised myself because an hour later, I could speak the days of the week with confident. Then she wanted to teach me to count and I for a moment said 'No, it has already been 7 words while I should only do 1 word per day. BUT, I just proved to myself that I could easily integrate 7 new words so why not just give myself the opportunity to learn to count? Again, I surprised myself with being able to count to 10 after just a few minutes with the ability to recall the information of all the 21 words (+ a few more random words) I integrated that day. today, I learnt to count to 100..

Someone asked me HOW am I doing it - how did I move myself from not being able to integrate any word in Afrikaans to now being able to learn and recall what I learnt in a very short period of time. My answer was.. "I Made a Decision".

They asked me "Decision? What do you mean?" I said: "You can decide to accept and allow your own created self-limitations or you can decide to accept and allow your own self-empowerment and growth. Once a decision is made, you still have to decide to consistently stand by the decision that you made in any given moment and that was all that I've done"

With understanding how learning works and what are the methods that assist me the most to effectively integrate information, I can choose to expand my reality and push myself to succeed. So, I am in the process of learning Afrikaans now which I find to be a fascinating process as it showed me how I am the creator of my own self-limitations and if so I choose, how I can also be the creator of my own self-empowerment and growth.

Mar 8, 2015 | By: A Woman

Creating and Living in a supportive environment (part 2) - Day 506

Continuing from where I left off in my previous blog: Creating and Living in a supportive environment (part 1) - Day 505

"Creation is a process that will take time though, the potential exists for everyone. " in this blog, I will open up the point of this 'potential' and how can we stand by this potential when it comes to creating and living in a supportive environment.

To be able to create and live in a supportive environment, we first have to clearly define what supportive environment is or to be more specific, we need to define the word 'Support'. When I work with words, I like exploring the sound of the word and see what lie behind it. Here for instance, with the word 'Support', I found something very interesting:

Support = Sup(p)-Or-T. Have a look:
Sup: To provide
Or: Or (choice)
T: Choice, Junction

Support = a decision that one is making in any given moment with regards to whether or not one would Provide/Give something to oneself or another. Now that the definition to the word Support is clear, the question is - how the word 'Support' is applied as an expression of ourselves within the principle of 'what is best for all'? Meaning, how the decision that we make in any given moment as an expression of ourselves  is practically applied within the context of deciding the direction that we would give to ourselves when it comes to providing/giving support to ourselves or another.

Here, 2 more principles must be considered:
1. Give as you would like to receive
2. Do onto another that which you would do onto you.

Obviously, when we look at these principle, what is important to understand and apply is the very basic living principle - Self Honesty. To understand the difference between Honesty and Self-Honesty please read the blog - The Correction Process and The Desteni Message (Part 8) - Day 205

So how Giving/Sharing/providing Support to another, combined with Self Honesty and the principle of Give as you would like to receive, do onto another that which you would do onto you come together as a living application/expression of oneself in one's creation of supportive environment?

It is to firstly realize that for me to grow and expand myself in this reality, I cannot accept and allow myself to be directed by my own mind but rather be stable and in each breath and look directly and the physical reality and direct myself accordingly. Obviously, this is a process that is to be lived and a lot of self support and support of another is needed for me/us to live this to our potential. This was a decision that I have made in how I want to create myself for/as myself - and for more context, please read - The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle - Day 474

With this starting point and the potential that exists within ourselves (Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 1) - Day 475) to change and become a living expression of Self-Honesty, Give as you would like to receive and do onto another that which you would do onto you, I see how these principles stand as an absolute necessity if we really want to create a change in this world in developing environments that are based on integrity, respect and harmony. Within this, the responsibility is firstly on ourselves, to support ourselves to become the potential that we can become through which we can then expand ourselves and assist and support our environment to become the potential that exist in any single one of us.

True, creating these types of supportive environment is easier if you already an environment with people who share your vision but even if you don't, the potential still exists because it exists in you and what you will create with yourself and support others to create for themselves. How?

If you live in an environment with people who are yet to be aware of their minds and our collective responsibility of creating a change in this world that is worth while, all you have to do is to firstly support yourself to change through which slowly but surely you will be standing as an example for your environment. From here, you will start seeing and assessing the nature of the support you will share with others in your environment until eventually they will stand as their own support which later they could potentially expand and stand as your pillar of support as well. What I mean by support here - the same support I would accept myself to give to myself, I will share with others in my environment. Therefore, I will very slowly, and with a lot of patience, start bringing these people into my reality in for example, when I see them participate in their mind and I walked a similar point, I will share with them my own process - what I realized for myself in relation to the point that they are facing, how I supported myself to change this point within myself and so forth.

Why it is so important to be patient when you develop and create a supportive environment for yourself?
When I first started my process, I kind of isolated myself from everyone in my environment - I believed they cannot understand me, that we cannot have a common ground to walk from and essentially, I destroyed every single relationship that I had at that time. Years later, when I realized that it was never about them; that supportive relationships cannot just manifest and if anything; that it was always about me and what I will accept and allow and what I will not, I started building, developing and creating new relationships with my old environment to a point of us being able to communicate effectively, support one another and be there for one another. This is something that is still in progress and will take a lot of time - it is a process of creation and creation takes time to be developed and how we make the best out of it is dependent solely on us - in what we accept and allow for ourselves, our environment and this world.

If you haven't already, I suggest reading through my blog series - The Desteni Message as that would give you a better context as to what I was looking at when writing this blog.

Feb 20, 2015 | By: A Woman

Creating and Living in a supportive environment (part 1) - Day 505

Before I came to live on the farm, I had this idea that once I get here, I will immediately create friendship relationship with all the people who live here; soon enough, I realized that with our busy schedules, we don't have much time to socialize and create relationships with one another. Over the years, I was primarily creating relationship with the people I was sharing the same house with and that was it.

Couple of weeks ago, I faced a big part of  my preprogram design and for a moment, it all seemed to be just too much and a thought came up, wishing Bernard was here to support me with his insights and way of looking at things. With me having the tendency to walk my process alone and only sharing myself with the other farm people after I walked the whole design, I isolated myself from everything and everyone so that I can walk the points for/as myself without anyone seeing me in a state that I, in the mind, defined as weak/vulnerable.

At one point, the farm people became aware of the points that I was walking through and one by one, people came to me, spent time with me and stood as incredible support for me. Initially, I felt uncomfortable being completely open with them in sharing everything that I was facing but soon enough I realized that each one of them had a gift for me as they walked similar points during their processes. Interestingly enough, every time the thought of Bernard came up, someone showed up and shared with me how they faced the point in the past and how Bernard supported them to walk through it for themselves.

With me spending more time with other farm members, I realized that relationships are not something that can be given to you, it is something we can create with one another if we allow ourselves to open up and invest time with each other. This was the one thing I didn't take into consideration when I first came here - relationships build over time, it cannot just happened to you.

What also supported me with the process of developing relationships of support with the farm people was Blackie -

He has back leg injury and he couldn't stay at my house any more as the environment of our house is not as supportive as for instance, in the top house. When I looked at talking with them about the possibility of them taking care of Blackie in their house, there was a part of me that expected them to say 'no' because they already have too many dogs and a baby. The part of me who doubted their perceived answer was a memory from my past where I had to leave my dog behind and it was extremely difficult to find people who were willing to take care of the dog, not to mention that Blackie was injured and needed specific support and attention. When I finally took the step to go and talk to them about it, there was not even a split of a moment where they had to think about it - immediately they saw the whole point, why it is needed and how they can manage the support structure for Blackie.

The recent events made me look at the whole point of creating and living in a supportive environment with people who are living by principles where self-interest is second and what is best for the environment is first. I was looking at how can we expand this way of living so that more and more people would be able to create supportive environments for themselves, outside of the farm.

Understand that even for us, it was a process which firstly (and still) we walk with ourselves. When Bernard died, we all came together and made an agreement to stand as a pillar of support for each other. It is one thing to make the decision/agreement and it is a whole other thing to walk the decision/agreement as an expression of ourselves, moment by moment.

We had to create our decision/agreement to live by principles through which we can support one another. That didn't just happened in one day - this was something we had to create with ourselves and each other and it is the same for everyone who wishes to create a supportive environment for themselves, we must create it. Creation is a process that will take time though, the potential exists for everyone.

will continue in the next blog…

Jan 25, 2015 | By: A Woman

The other side of betrayal - Day 504

Continuing with my previous blog - Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503

Disclaimer - what I am about to share in this blog post, does not validate cheating and/or betrayal in anyway whatsoever though it will shed some light on 'why' sometimes these things are happening. Obviously, the whole playout can be prevented if we all become honest with ourselves and stop suppressing our expressions and  within it, be willing to be open with ourselves about that which is going on inside ourselves though this is another point that I will be opening up in my next blog.

There is no doubt that when a betrayal is done unto you, there is a lot of anger and mistrust playing out in the mind. One feels cheated on, insecure within oneself, doubting oneself - all in all, it is an unpleasant experience to be the one who is being betrayed.

The questions that I kept on asking when I felt betrayed was: "how could they do this to me?" - the question contained blame and anger and even though I asked the question, I did not want to look at the answer, I didn't want to take responsibility and understand 'why' this things can happen and within that, why is it that I must not take it personally. I didn't want to see that to a certain degree, I have done the same.

Once upon a time, I had a very very good male friend, we shared a deep connection with one another that I never could describe in words. For many years, I resisted the depth of our connection due to my unresolved relationships issues so I made sure that the boundaries between us are clear - we are just good friends and that was it.

Our friendship connection never compromised or interfered with our relationships with other people though we were substantially closer when both of us were single. This has been going on for years and while 'something more' has always been like a cloud in my mind, I resisted looking deep inside of myself to see what is it that I am really resisting.

To make a long story short as this been going on for years - at one point in time, I was single and he was in a relationship for almost a year. He was caught up in a life situation where he didn't have any communication with anyone and we were all worried for his life. For almost a month, I was in a state of concern, we all knew that there is a chance that he may be dead. Inside of me, I felt that the wall I was busy building all of these years is starting to crack down or in other words, the resistance that I had to see what I actually want from our relationship started to melt down and for the first time I was willing to admit to myself that our relationship is not just friendship relationship - it was far more than that, there was what I defined back than as love which to me, love, was something I always preferred walking away from as that would mean allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed which was something I feared doing.

After a month, out of the blue, he called me, he was alive - it was one of the most happiest days of my life but one of the most fearful days at the same time, because I had to face what I felt inside of myself. I was the first phone call he had made and a few hours later, he was at my door step, half dead inside but very much alive. Everything disappeared when I saw him - all that existed was us, and the historical connection that we shared with one another. It was an accumulation of many moments where we both knew that we were supposed to be together yet, none of us was willing to look in self-honesty and walk through the individual fears that kept us apart. We looked at each other's eyes and we both knew where we are going from that moment onwards. Honestly, I didn't consider his partner in that moment in time as I mentioned - in that evening, everything disappeared, morality disappeared, my fears were gone, it was a letting go moment.

To start with, us manifesting this moment while he is in a relationship, should not have happened. It could only happened because I was not honest with myself from the get go, from the moment I recognized that I am resisting walking a life path with him as my partner and accordingly pushing through my resistances. So again, I am in no way justifying or excuse myself from my responsibility though, I understand now why is it that sometimes, things like that happen and with that understanding, I am ready now to forgive those who were in my shoes where they find themselves in a difficult situation where a suppressed moment was 'here' to express. So, essentially – the moment him and I were together that evening, while he was in a relationship – was because we suppressed our self honesty over such a long time and then our honesty turned into DESIRE for one another and once the desire took over, pushing us to express our suppressions over so long, we did not consider reality, the implications and consequences of our actions as our desires for one another superseded considering ourselves and our relationship with others. Because looking back now, if I were honest from the beginning, if I did not accept and allow myself to suppress – him and I could have talked things over first, share what we feel / experience, make a decision to be together or not and then only first direct our relationship with others before creating something together. So, this is the point that we need to have a look at; how acting on desires can lead to consequences in relationships and not considering reality.

That also answered my next question - "why didn't they tell me before they started seeing each other?" - "Why was it done behind my back?" - Here again, sometimes things happens in a moment and you don't know where this moment would lead to. When he called me and I realized he was alive, when he showed up at my door step - our self-honesty played out for the first time in years. The only thing he could do was breaking the relationship off the next day when it was clear that he cannot continue walking a path with his partner. Again here, it is not to justify, it is to understand the forces behind people's behavior and to realize, it has nothing to do with the person who was 'cheated on' - it doesn't make them less at all, nothing is wrong with them - the connection is the directive force and interestingly enough, I now understand that one cannot choose connections - it either exists or it is not; if it does exists, and apart of you is aware of it, you must realize that there are going to be consequences for you allowing suppression to exists inside of you. When the connection is that strong, it is going to manifest in some way or another.

In my next blog post, I will be discussion the prevention process - how to support yourself when you see yourself suppressing a connection with another and how to prevent consequences where other people may get hurt when this connection can no longer be suppressed and a desire takes over.

Jan 21, 2015 | By: A Woman

Betrayal - Loss of the Illusion - Day 503

Once upon a time, during my university years, I was involved with one of my class mate - I had a crush on him for quite a while and I saw a potential of us being together, creating a life together. When we started seeing each other, I could see that he was not into the relationship as I was but I decided to ignore the fact that something was completely off with us. It ended just as quick as it started but because we were studying together and I saw him every day, I still hoped that something of worth will come out of our friendship relationship.

Mt best friend at that time, who was also studying with us, knew that I had interest in having something more with that guy but little did I know that after I stopped seeing him, she started dating him and neither of them told me about that - I felt betrayed.

It is interesting because neither of them did something to me or took something from me - I was not really involved with the guy when they started dating. The problem with this all scenario was that all this time, he played games with me with continuous flirtation and sweet talk which I interoperated as him having interest in me which perpetuated the 'hope' that we may have something of worth in the future. With him acting as he did, I had no reason to think that there is something else going on with my friend and so, when I found out, I was in shock cause I didn't see it coming - the two people that I cared about had a relationship behind my back.

I felt betrayed and painfully hurt when I found out that they are together, I literally felt she stabbed a knife in my back because of so many reasons and I couldn't get myself to a point of forgiveness - I was angry, the trust I had in her was broken and I couldn't move pass the point and continue my friendship relationship with her so I removed her from my environment completely, didn't want anything to do with her. With him, I didn't feel that he betrayed me, I was upset, yes - but I was not angry at him as much as I was with her.

The challenge was seeing them together, coming to classes together, laughing, kissing and enjoying each other's presence - I felt that she took from me something that was supposed to be mine even though, it was never mine.

So what really happened? Why did I feel betrayed? Why was I consume with anger?

In this blog post, I will open up the primary point that I found while investigating this point for myself though there are many dimensions and layers that were involved.

If you followed my recent blog posts - The relationship between Hope and Depression - Mind Reality Vs. Physical reality - Day 500 the things that I will be writing today will be clearer.

In our alternate mind reality, we create an illusion of how things "should" be and when the physical reality doesn't correspond with our creation of the mind we experience ourselves with negative emotions like for instance, depression, sadness, anger and so forth. The problem starts when we believe that the alternate reality that we created in our mind could have had a potential to manifest in the physical reality and so, we hold onto the hope that in some way or another, we will manifest our alternate reality exactly how it is in our minds.

For myself, every time I saw them together I faced the physical reality that was in conflict with my alternate reality and that created an experience of loss, a loss of the illusion that I created in my mind.

When positive feelings are involved, we tend to place a vail in the mind that prevents us from seeing the physical reality and what is really here. For example, there was nothing substantial that I created with the guy, our communication levels didn't have the depth that I would have wanted in a relationship and on many levels, when I was with him, I felt very empty. Even sexually, I couldn't really 'feel' him with me. But, there was something in him that I was attracted to which kept the alternate reality in the mind going and especially with me seeing him every day.

With seeing them together, the mind reality kept on activated because what I saw in the physical reality is them living my alternate reality that I wanted to create for myself with him so it was like unfulfilled desire playing out in front of my eyes all of the time. How I saw him with her was how I wanted him to be with me only that with me, it did not exist and I took it personally, as if something was wrong with me because "how come he choose her and not me" kept on coming up in my mind all of the time.

I think that was the most difficult part - not understanding why what I saw in him, the potential of him, is playing out with her, while I couldn't reach that level of intimacy with him.

Here what I found is my ego taking the driver sit instead of me looking directly at the physical reality. There are things that I cannot explain or clearly understand how it works but it is quite clear that with certain people you have specific types of connections. This connection is not always aligned and it is not an exact science - it is either 'here' or it is not but it is not something one can force.

They had a connection that was deeper than the connection that I had with him. The fact that they shared a deep connection doesn't define me as less or more, it has nothing to do with me actually but it was not how I saw it - I took it personally and defined me as less than her which was why I couldn't reach an absolute point of forgiveness as I kept on blaming her for taking something from me. In that, I lost - I lost my friendship relationship with her, and I lost my friendship relationship with him.

Will continue in my next blog post


Art work - The Betrayal by Michael James Toomy

Jan 11, 2015 | By: A Woman

Self Directive Principle - The creation of ourselves - Day 502

Continuing with my previous blogs where I ended off with:
"…In my next blog, I will open up the source of the sadness that I experienced before and after I met him and go into the specificity of why is it that in my mind, I separated myself from genuine self expression by associating expressions with different environments / people instead of realizing that Self-Expression is a decision that one is making in a moment of breath as who one is. In this also, why with not understanding what self expression is as a genuine expression of oneself, we project certain expressions onto others within the belief that they give us these expressions and without them, we cannot express that which we want to express and how this contribute to the Hope and Depression cycles…"

For context, please also read:

When I started writing this blog series, I had a clear idea as to where am I going with the blogs - opening up the dimension of hope and depression in the context of relationship and self expressions but what opened up was actually something else:
In exploring the time line of before, during and after the break up, I noticed for the first time that the sadness that I experienced before I met this guy was actually always there but very subtle, there was no energy in it and that was something that I never seriously looked at before as I gave more value to the intensity of the sadness that I experienced after the break up. When I went further into the substance of what that subtle sadness was, I saw that it was actually a 'sorrow' in the sense always seeing my potential and yet, not living to my utmost potential.

In a way, I accepted the core sorrow that I've been always aware of, as normal, because it had always been a part of me, from a very young age so I didn't know anything else. Interestingly enough, the day I met my ex-partner was the day that I started looking at this core sorrow though before I got to the reality of it, I was already in a relationship, completely distracted from what I was looking at and that was where I actually missed the whole point and accessed a decade of time loop.

So what I started opening up with myself in going back to this one day where I missed the point of 'sorrow' was as follows: in the physical reality, what actually happened was that I was never satisfied with how I moved myself in my reality because I always allowed external forces to direct me instead of me, in self honesty, deciding for myself who I am and what I want to live as/by. I defined myself as disempowered to direct my own reality and I blamed my environment and the people I was with as if they forced me to inferiority, insecurity, limited and disempowered expressions. This was as far as I could see that day in Thailand, when I made the decision to jump into a relationship with him as for a glimpse of a moment, I saw 'joy' coming out of me which I mistakenly connected with him being my partner.

Why am I saying 'glimpse of a moment' - here, self-honesty must be looked at as well, and when I am placing myself in my own shoes - even with the mind joy that I was exposed to while we were still together, on the deeper level, there was always a part of me that was like almost dead inside as if there was no life force in me, real sorrow which I didn't understand until recently. I mean, really in self honesty, I knew.. I knew what I was doing to myself but I allowed and consciously choose the mind reality to take over, hoping that things will change and I would live happily ever after with him.

Back to the point - what I found was a very strong belief that I had no power to decide who I am and what I would like to create for myself in this physical reality; that I cannot stand as my own directive principle within the environments that I was in as my power to direct is dependent on another's approval of me. that was why I was always looking for different environments and from a very young age, I was working and saving money to travel the world by myself, hoping to find the people/places where I can express myself. But no matter where I go and what people I was with, I never expressed me, the real me and I never understood WHY.

See the thing is, there was always a part of me who knew that I have the potential to become that which I saw myself able to become; that which I wanted to become; but I felt that I was stopped and believed it was my environment that was holding me back;  so as long as I didn't live and express myself to my utmost potential and actually directed myself as how I saw me moving myself in my reality, the sorrow was sitting in the depth of my beingness as if I am locked in a prison but at the same time, having in the palm of my hands the keys to my freedom. Meaning, the sorrow was on a beingness level, in knowing that I am the one prisoning myself in my own mind, in my own body and believing that I do not have the power to create and direct myself and my environment according to who I am, who I want to be and express, yet, knowing that this belief isn't real and that I actually can. This is why the core sorrow always followed me throughout my whole life, even slightly today as I haven't fully really ever created and directed myself, never really fully investigated who I am and what is it that I would like to create for myself within the realm of self-honesty as the principles I committed myself to live as/by.

When dropping the belief that I am unable to decide who I am, I started understanding the design/signature of the program that this belief consists of where what starting to be more clear is the living application of the realization that no one can do anything for, to or as me and therefore, no one can pull me out of my own created mind-misery that I defined and placed myself at, but it is me who have to create and move myself and thus live to my utmost potential that I see existing in me.

Fortunately, there was once someone in my life who showed me my ability and strength to create myself for myself and in that, break through the prison's walls that I have built inside myself. As long as he was here, I didn't experience that deep sorrow as with him and what he stood for - he didn't accept anything less than living to your upmost potential and he stood as a constant reminder and support for many of us.

When this person died, I for a moment "forgot" what he had shown me and I fell again to the pattern of wanting someone else to pull me out of my prison and direct my reality for me. With his death, the sorrow emerged again and it took me awhile to "remember" that which he had shown me, my potential and my ability to support myself to live to my utmost potential as a living expression of myself.
This person stood as a living example of the potential that we can become but on many levels, I wasn't yet willing to stand on my own two feet and become my own directive principle. For a very long time I was sad and angry at him passing away before I stood as my own directive principle but if anything, I now realize more than ever that his death, was the best thing that he could have done for me, as it forced me to stand up, to become the potential that he had shown us.

The correction here is to realize and physically live the realization that - I am my own creator and who I am is based on who I create myself to be and become in every given moment, in consideration of the interdependency connection with everything that is here. Meaning, being your own creator, your own directive principle, doesn't mean that you are almighty god without any physical limitations. One must consider other people in one's reality, consider time and space, consider potential consequences and so forth, consider everything that is 'here'. This I will expand more in future blogs as I walk these points for myself.

To bring this blog series into completion, we have to understand that hope, sadness, sorrow, depression, joy, etc as experiences that we are facing, can only exists when one is not standing as one's directive principle, it can only exists when one is abdicating one's responsibility to stand, investigate in self-honesty, create and direct oneself in one's reality where one is no longer for example passive, in awaiting mode but one is actually active in moving and expressing oneself based on the physical reality that one is a part of.

We made relationships in our mind as something that is separate from ourselves without realizing that the core relationship is with ourselves first, where we develop our own directive principle from which we can expand and physically walk with another. Thus, it is time to invert relationships back to ourselves where our primary and core relationship is with ourselves and only then, we would find the truth of ourselves, our unique self expression that is a creation of ourselves as the decisions that we make for ourselves in every given moment. 

Art work - The wild woman - www.pinterest.com