Aug 30, 2014 | By: A Woman

How comparison can compromise your health (Part 1) Day 485

As a child in a primary school, I didn't like sport classes because I wasn't naturally good in sport in comparison to the other kids in the class. We always had to compete with one another and I used to feel inadequate in these moments. What I disliked the most was the fact that I knew that I will have to compete with my peers and most likely that I will lose or at least not at the top of the list - this didn’t support the negative experiences that I came with to sport classes.


When time passed by and my menstruation started, 2 physical pressure points emerged -

  1. I started experiencing lower back pain
  2. I became Anemic

With having lower back pain and being physically weak due to the anemia, sport class became a complete nightmare because the pain and the physical weakness perpetuated the negative experiences in participating in sport class.


I went to see an orthopedic to give me a waiver from specific parts of sport class - the parts that I wasn't naturally good at  in comparison to my peers. I presented the case in such a way where I connected aerobic sport to my lower back pain so between me and myself, I knew that I manipulated the doctor to come to the conclusion that I must be excused from some of the sport activities but I didn't expect the doctor to fall into the trap so absolutely and give me a full pass from sport class. Obviously, I didn't challenge his decision because I was happy with not having to go to sport class at all. Afterwards, I went to see a gynecologist to support me with the real problem - the hormonal imbalance that started with menstruation  that contribute to the lower back pain and the Anemia. These two points got sorted with medication back in the days.


 It is interesting to noticed how the mind mutates and manipulates points - at some point in time, I actually believed the  orthopedic assessment: 'running = lower back pain' to be real to the extent of eventually believing that aerobic sport was the cause of my back problems even though, commonsensically it could not have been the cause because I was no longer doing any sport and yet, the lower back pain manifested every month, before and during the menstruation days up until the point that I got medication for the hormonal imbalance.

I must say that before the medication, the lower back pain was extensive - once a month, every month, I couldn't move, I couldn't walk and the memory imprint of the pain remained inside of me for quite some time though as I mentioned above, I connected the pain with sport so when ever I had to run or be physically active, the memory of the pain came up and I was worried that the pain will manifest again to that degree where I cannot walk/move.


Over the years, my doctor changed my medication and slowly reduced the hormonal dose intake. eventually, I decided to test my body without any hormonal medication and after some tests,  the doctor agreed that it won't do any harm to test how the body will cope without medication. The monthly back pain returned but it wasn't to the extreme it was before - it was something that I could manage without having to take medication. It was suggested to me to do Yoga but with my relationship to sport and especially when it comes to a group scenario where I compared myself to others, I experience resistance to Yoga.


Though, I pushed myself to give Yoga a go and I was fortunate to have a Yoga instructor that I could relate to and be supported to move through the 'hard' phase into the 'enjoyable' phase of Yoga. I practiced Yoga 3-4 times a week and after a very short time, I suddenly noticed that my lower back pain cease to exist. My lower back problem was for the most part, due to a weakness in the core muscles of my body and with strengthening these core muscles with Yoga, the pain went away till these day even though I no longer practice Yoga very often. Interestingly enough, my belief that 'Sport = lower back pain' still remained  because I didn't see Yoga as sport but as a physical support. To me Sport was only in the context of aerobic exercise.


Will continue in my next blog





Aug 20, 2014 | By: A Woman

How fear can control your life (Part three) - Day 484

In my previous blog, I ended off with the statement:


"Understand that all of these thoughts and fears where not in my conscious mind - I was not even willing to admit it to myself. This is why I fabricated alternate reality for myself where I justified the break up with saying to myself that the relationship is too boring and that I need more excitement in my life. I suppressed everything to fast and so deep that I actually believed myself that exciting relationship was what I needed lol so,  I went off, opting for exciting relationship and for years, in many ways, I led myself to destructive consequences that could have been prevented if only I allowed myself to face my fears and communicate the points openly with my parents."


On many levels, I am grateful for the decisions that I made in my past that led me to where and  who I am today. The purpose of writing these blogs here is to encourage parents and teenagers to develop intimate and supportive communication with one another instead of allowing random events to lead your life and the life of your children and to rather become the directive principle of your life in awareness of the mind processes within the principle of 'Prevention is the best cure'.


For many years I had fears when it came down to having a relationship and I never understood why or what was the source of these fears. On the one hand, I wanted to have a relationship but on the other hand, I was terrified by the thought of being in a committed relationship.

Somewhere in my mind I knew that the relationship I was going for were not the type of relationships through which I am able to grow within myself with the support of another; I knew that the relationships I was going for were destructive in nature and yet, I blindly drawn to these types of relationships, never stopping to assess 'WHY' am I deliberately sabotaging myself and my relationships with others.  Here, it is important that I make it very clear - I was never abused mentally or physically by any of my partners - when I am saying 'destructive in nature' I am referring to relationships of compromise, superficiality, with no real potential - never reaching to a point of absolute vulnerability and exposure with my partners where we are standing as each other support within our process of self-growth.


I mean, the guys I was dating were really good guys in their inner core, there was nothing wrong with them per say - it was the dimension I allowed them to access inside myself that compromised and sabotaged the relationship as within myself, I was not willing to let anyone through me, to my real 'me' as that would mean that I would have to face 'me', my past, my first relationship and everything that I have done after the breakup - this was something I was not ready to do. I made sure that the guys I was dating, will not be those who are able to go through the walls that I placed inside myself - if there was any chance of them breaking through, I found ways to sabotage the relationship and end it.


Now that I identified why I ran away from relationships and couldn't develop intimate and supportive relationship with a partner my past behaviour in the context of relationships is starting to make more sense.

This one point of me believing that I cannot face my parents when it comes to being sexually active with my first boyfriend, a chain of events manifested through which I created a relationship entity inside myself that was running on my behalf without me being aware of what I was actually creating for/as myself.  With breaking up the relationship I had with my first partner, the programming that was running in my mind equated to the following structure: "if it comes to the point of sexual intimacy, vulnerability and exposure, the relationship must end' type of thing. Though, despite of the first relationship being so specific to sexual intimacy, the mind mutated the equation to "any type of  intimacy relationship = stay away".


Fortunately, with understanding now the source of my resistances/fear towards relationship, I was ready to open a door inside myself to unconditionally allowing myself to access the mind realm of relationships and investigate more dimensions and accordingly make the necessary alignments inside myself to eventually create and develop a healthy, supportive and constructive relationship with a partner. 



Art work - rose-colligan

Aug 15, 2014 | By: A Woman

How fear can control your life (Part two) - Day 483

This is a continuation from my previous blog where I left of with:


"Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how through this decision, I compromised myself and my relationships with men ever since.

This I will continue sharing in my next blog post. "


What actually happened was that we started talking about sleeping over at each other's houses but that was something that my parents didn't approve while his parents didn't have issues with the point. One weekend, my parents were away and I planned to use that window to sleep over at his place - everything was prepared and we were about to go back to his place after a dinner party we were invited to but at the last moment, I couldn't pull it through. Meaning, I couldn't do it knowing that I am lying to my parents. Obviously, I felt embarrassed about the whole thing because I didn't want anyone to know why I changed my mind - it made me feel weak inside myself. In that very moment of feeling embarrassed and weak, I had a sharp pain in my stomach which I then consciously amplified so that at least I won't have to lie to my boyfriend that I prefer sleeping in my cousin's house in case the pain get worse and I will need her support. In essence, sleeping at my cousin's house was the 'story' that I told my parents so with manifesting the 'story' in the physical reality, I could calm myself down as I no longer participated in a lie but actually did what I told my parents I would do.


Understand also that neither of us at that stage had sex before and it was something that started to be 'here' from the perspective of where we were going with our relationship. Even though we didn't plan of having sex that night, on many levels I was ready to express myself  with him and I was uncertain where the night would lead to if I would to sleep over at his house.

I was in a huge conflict about it because on the one hand, I wanted to express myself with him but on the other hand, my parents' disapproval clouded my mind - I couldn't stop seeing my parents' face if they would to know that I am even considering having sex for the first time, nevertheless, if I would lie about it.


When I imagined having sex for the first time, I wanted it to be special, with a guy that loved me and that I could trust; with someone that is interested in me, in who I am, rather than just interested in having sex and/or in my body. Theoretically, having sex for the first time with my partner should have been the 'right' thing to do as this partner stood as everything I ever wanted from a partner. But as long as my parents would not have approved the fact that I am sexually active, I couldn't do it and for my parents to be ok with that, it meant that I had to face them and that was something that I was not yet ready to do - the fear about even speaking with them about sex was overwhelming.


I wasn't ready to face the consequences of becoming sexually active in my parents' eyes - just the thought about how they would see and define me was not something I could 'live' with nonetheless how they would see and define my partner - whether they will be willing to accept him in our house, whether they would be disappointed at me or him, whether I will still be the favorite child - these were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to my inner thoughts about this whole point.


I didn't know how to handle these thoughts and I felt that I had no one to talk to about this - none of my friends faced this point before and my relationship with my siblings wasn't intimate enough for me to ask for their advice. Obviously I did not communicate this point with my partner because I didn't want him to know that my parents have so much control over me in my own mind; so, I did what I knew to do best - when there was a problem in my life, I would just ignore it and walk away instead of facing the problem and finding solutions that would support me and people in my environment. So... I broke up with him as that was the only solution that I could think of to quiet my mind and maintain my relationship with my parents intact.


It took everything that I've got to block my feelings towards him and apparently, I mastered the point so effectively that after a few days, I didn’t feel a thing, my heart was cold so to speak, I was "over" the whole thing, as if he was a complete stranger. So much so that even with him 'fighting' for the relationship and doing everything that he could possibly do to 'win' me back, I was too far gone in my mind, not willing to accept and see everything he had said.


Understand that all of these thoughts and fears where not in my conscious mind - I was not even willing to admit it to myself. This is why I fabricated alternate reality for myself where I justified the break up with saying to myself that the relationship is too boring and that I need more excitement in my life. I suppressed everything to fast and so deep that I actually believed myself that exciting relationship was what I needed lol so,  I went off, opting for exciting relationship and for years, in many ways, I led myself to destructive consequences that could have been prevented if only I allowed myself to face my fears and communicate the points openly with my parents.


Will continue in my next blog.


Aug 13, 2014 | By: A Woman

How fear can control your life (Part one) - Day 482

Within my Woman's Journey to Life blog, I have been walking extensively  the point of relationship to assist and support myself and other women in the world to get to the nitty gritty of ourselves when it comes to relationship with a male so that we are able to create and develop effective relationships with ourselves and as such, with another;


In this blog series though, I will show how one point of fear, fear of parents in relation to one's sexuality, created consequences in my life and how in looking back, these consequences could have been prevented if I was more aware of my mind and my thinking processes. Thus, if you are a teenager or a parent to a teenager, you will be able to walk with me, into my introspection process and hopefully support yourself and/or your child by understanding the teenager's thought processes, if sexuality isn't a topic that is openly discussed at home.


With me, I didn't feel that I have anyone to talk when I was a teenager and many teenagers today can relate to this experience of not being able to share themselves unconditionally with their parents/friends/partners. Unfortunately, many of the teenagers that feel that way, tend to become secretive in doing things behind the parents' back, hoping that what the parents don't know won't hurt them; only that in many cases, the teenagers are the ones who get hurt, by making reckless decisions that are based on unconscious fears.


What I found in my process of introspection of my own mind, was that the mind is layered with memories and information and sometimes, when I 'think' that I got to the source in relation to one specific pattern that played out in my life, a new layer opens up, uncovering another piece of information in my journey of getting to know myself as the mind.


A few days ago, I was asked a simple question: "How did I feel about relationships in the past?" interestingly enough, I "thought" that I knew the answer because I've walked that path before when I investigated who I was in my past relationships. At the same time, there was a point of resistance towards the question because I couldn't allocate the point of 'feeling about' past relationship; what does it mean 'feel about' something?!


When I started writing the point for myself, I walked again my first relationship but this time, more focusing on my hidden back chat, the thoughts/feeling/emotions that I couldn't even admit to myself. As I mentioned in one of my blogs, my first partner was like 'prince charming' whereas I could experience myself in a way that I always imagined relationships to feel like - he loved me like no one else did before, he was expressive, romantic, caring, intimate. He was one of this unique guys that would write songs for me, sing them to me, write me love letters and so forth - it was really a relationship that every girl would want for herself and yet, out of the blow, I broke up with him.


For years I tried to justify for myself why I broke up with him, making myself believe that I wanted something more, I wanted maturity in the sense of taking our relationship to the next step of getting married and moving out of our parents' house but because we were only 16 years old, this future was far away in time and I couldn't wait till that future manifest. I made myself believe that I broke up with him so that I could find another man whom with I am able to manifest this future sooner because I didn't like the way I experienced myself at home and I hoped that once I move out, I could expression all these expression that I suppressed at home.


Though, as I said before, another layer opened up this time where I was able to see the real reason of why I broke up with him and how by doing so, I compromised myself and created consequences for years to come.


This I will continue sharing in my next blog post.




Are work - Nomi Chi




Aug 11, 2014 | By: A Woman

A year passed by - Day 481

Gian was mentioning the other day that when ever someone speak about Bernard, they speak about him in a present tense; and I was looking at this point for myself of how to me Bernard is still 'here' as the principles that he stood as and lived by - this, could  never die with him.


His death was a challenge to say the least - having to 'grow up' from Bernard's protective shell and finding my own feet within myself. Learning to trust myself, learning to direct and move myself, learning to develop communication skills that are based on support to one another, learning to live independently and yet interdependent with the people around me; learning to consider myself and others, learning to care for myself and others, learning to be patience with myself and others.


Bernard, in his presence, showed us the way and the tools to develop these potentials inside ourselves but it was up to us to stand up and walk these potentials, as principles for ourselves and each other. With his death, we had to make the ultimate decision of who we are and what we stand for though for and for us, there was never a question - we just stood and continued walking, together, with absolute support to one another.


Cerise mentioned today in her blog:

In order for us to really grow we had to step out from under the protection that Bernard gave us. It may not have been his intention to shelter us, but he did nonetheless. He would weather a storm if it meant another wouldn't have to. We got too comfortable in the safety and guidance he naturally gave out, we did not move ourselves. The only way that we could really stand up on our own was for him to die - we were not doing it on our own


Indeed - those who knew Bernard realized this point for themselves - that for us to grow and expand ourselves, he had to die as we didn't take the responsibility to stand up when he was alive - we were all hoping that we could find a ways to change without actively and physically changing ourselves.


Bernard's death in many ways showed us the consequences of when waiting for someone else to walk that which we have to walk ourselves. Realizing this now will not change the past but we can change the future where we no longer wait for consequences to manifest but instead we walk the prevention process as solutions that can be physically applied.


Therefore, I will not repeat the same mistake again in waiting for someone to pave the way for me instead of me paving the way for myself; I will not sit back and wait for the world to fix itself, I will become the solution myself. I will not wait until the world reaches the point of no return, I will stand up and create a future that is best for all.


So, in looking at the past year - what we have created together thus far and whom we have become - I am grateful for having Bernard in our lives and more so, I am grateful for the opportunity to walk with the people whom are walking with me. we have walked a long way and the road ahead is not an easy one to walk but I am certain that together we will pave the way to create future that is worth living. If anything, this was what Bernard showed us in his death.

Aug 5, 2014 | By: A Woman

Should I trust another? Day 480

I used to believe that people are either trustworthy or they are not; I used to believe that I can either trust another person or I cannot. I used to defined people as trustworthy or not based on their physical living application; I used to react to people who 'brake' the trust I had in them; I used to react to people whom I defined as untrustworthy when their physical application once again 'proved' to me that they are not trustworthy. At the same time, I had really hard time trusting myself because in self-honesty, if I am reacting to another's application, there is a point inside of me that I haven't yet sorted out and so, if I was reacting, how could I trust that which I was 'seeing' in others through which I defined and labeled them as untrustworthy?




Someone said to me something in those lines:

'You cannot trust anyone but yourself - it is not about whether or not you can trust another - it is about trusting yourself that what you are seeing in your reality is actually what is and accordingly, trusting yourself that according to what you are seeing, you will direction/support yourself and others based on what is best in any given moment'.


It is interesting because I obviously heard this before but until today, I didn't integrate these words as a living application of myself. So I started questioning myself - why haven't I already lived self trust as a living expression of myself? Why didn't I want to turn trust or distrust in others to self trust?


Well I found 2 dimensions within my past decision to not trust myself as well as why I always preferred to  either trust or distrust another though, if I narrow down these two dimensions, it is actually rooted in the fact that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally take responsibility for my own experiences and living application.


The one dimension has to do with abdicating self responsibility in the sense of - when one is placing trust or distrust in another instead of within oneself, one is preparing the way before self to blame another in the future if the physical consequences are not in alignment to the expected result. For example, if one trust someone to give them the 'right' advise and one acted upon their advise and the physical play out didn't meet one's expectations, one is going to blame the person who gave the advise and would justify for oneself - "well, it isn't my fault, I trusted the person to give me the right advise, they told me to do that, I should not trust them ever again".

Here, there is blame towards the person who gave the advise and abdication of self responsibility of one's initial decision whereas, instead of trusting oneself that one assessed/checked/investigated all the information and seen all possible outcomes before acting on a specific decision, one is basing one's decision on someone's words, hoping that the results would be satisfactory and when it is not, one has someone else to blame.


The other dimension that I was looking at is specifically when one isn't trusting another's application and thus, when the other proved again that there living application cannot be trusted, one is reacting to another. Here, the context of Self responsibility is dual. Meaning, firstly,  one must turn any and all reactions back to oneself within the understanding that whenever one reacts, one cannot see the physical reality directly but rather seeing skewed reality through the 'eyes' of my mind. Secondly, if another had proven that their living application is not trustworthy and one is able to see clearly the patterns that leads to untrustworthiness application of another, one's responsibility is to stand as a pillar of support instead of judging another and blaming another for not being trustworthy. Meaning, when another proved again that they are not trustworthy, one must stand in absolute clarity and work with the physical outcome/information to support the other to see the point/pattern for themselves and within that, giving them the opportunity to change.


So you see, it all has to do with one's responsibility of trusting oneself and it is not about trusting or distrusting another. It is to trust yourself when making any decision; it is to trust yourself that you will stand in absolute stability no matter how the outcome would be because you trusted yourself that you considered and investigated all things before you made a decision; and it is to trust yourself to when/as you see another's application as untrustworthy, you first assess/investigate/check that you are clear within yourself without any slight reaction to another and thereafter, if you are in a position of sharing support with them, do so in self-trust.

Art work - Faiza Maghni

Jul 28, 2014 | By: A Woman

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 5) - Day 479

Bob DoucetteIn this blog post, I will continue sharing the story of how and why I had realized that everyone has a potential including myself and how this realization assisted me in changing the course of my life where I am able to walk as a living principle to my utmost potential. Thus, for the context, please read through the previous blog posts:

The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle - Day 474

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 1) - Day 475

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 2) - Day 476

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 3) - Day 477

Realizing and living my utmost potential (Part 4) - Day 478


" So, if anything, the potential was and is already 'here' - I have the potential to change myself, I have the potential to forgive myself, I have the potential to fine tune my living application.


In my next blog post, I will share how I am assisting and supporting myself to change from seeing points as an absolute to realizing the potential and the process/direction that I have to walk to develop and perfect the potentials that I am able to see in myself."


Since I started my process, what was evident is the potential to change whereas, I am not bound to what I previously 'believed' or 'felt' or been 'emotional' about, I am not bound to continue my relationship with others as how I conditioned myself to live by over the years - I am able to take responsibility for what is going on inside myself and accordingly change my relationship to my outer world through firstly apply self forgiveness in self honesty and thereafter change my living application as how I have decided to live by.


Within this blog, I will share how I have changed (and still busy changing) my relationship to friendship-relationships and within that, how I am assisting and supporting myself to align my relationship with my friends to a relationship that is worthwhile.


When any relationship starts, mostly I find that there is a 'lovey dovey' time period whether it is relationship with a male or relationship with new friends. Initially, we would portray ourselves in specific ways, only sharing and revealing the 'good' parts of ourselves while the 'bad' parts remain hidden. Although, as time pass by, past patterns start playing a role  and the relationship is no longer 'lovey dovey' as frictions and conflicts are becoming more evident. In the past, when the friendship-relationship shifted from the 'positive' to the 'negative' I would start isolating myself from the relationship and slowly remove myself completely from the equation. I would then repeat the same cycle with either new friends or with old friends that I haven't spoken with for years.


Over the years, I became more conservative when it comes to starting a friendship-relationship with another human being - on some levels, I knew that I would end up in the same place I always had so it was like "why even bother" type of thing. From there, I isolated myself more and more to a point where I disengaged from any social circle as I didn't want the responsibility that comes with allowing someone in my life (the self-responsibility of turning any slight reaction that was triggered by another, to myself, and investigate who I am in relation to the reaction and accordingly change myself). Obviously, from having so many people in my life to having none, I didn't feel lacking - if anything, I felt 'good' because I had zero frictions in my life that I had to sort out - I could give myself 100% attention without having to justify anything to anyone. In other words, I could remain enslaved to my own mind without having external triggers that would support me to see who I am as the mind and how I can align my living application accordingly.


I used to defined these frictions/reactions triggered by another being as a hassle but today I see these reactions as gifts, as a potential to change because how the hell would I see the misalignment inside myself if the reactions would have remained suppressed/hidden? 


So, with my process of isolating myself from my external reality, every now and then I would bring someone into my life, for just a moment - I call this game 'energy fix' because that was exactly what it was - I would start a relationship with a person and very fast I moved myself through the 'drama' part of the relationship. Unconsciously I was preparing my way to end the relationship so that I could go back to my cave (comfort zone) and ignore the outer reality and within that justify to myself "but I tried - it is not me - it is them".


A year an a half ago, I was faced with a life changing decision where I could either go out there to the world and continue my isolated life or to remain where I was at that time. Initially, I decided to leave and explore the world of isolation again but fortunately there was a glimpse of a moment (I remember this moment very vividly) where I looked around and saw the people in my reality, I looked at them, at who they are and in that moment I saw the potential that exists with my decision to stay - I was ready to gift myself the opportunity to connect with other people again - for the first time in my life I saw the potential of who I am able to become within developing relationships with people that are actually worth while. Relationships that are based on support to one another where we assist each other to grow and expand ourselves. Relationships were I am able to develop self-intimacy with myself and with others on a communication level; relationships where it is clear to all participants that when a friction/conflict comes up, we do not ignore, we do not judge - we assist and support each other to see the misalignment and do the necessary correction within ourselves and our relationships.


Obviously the road ahead wasn't always easy and still isn't easy from time to time. There were many moments where I went into the old pattern of wanting to isolate myself to not having to deal with people. There was one person who introduced me to what a potential actually mean, not as an absolute point but as a point of self-development. They looked at me and told me something in those lines: "there is a gift waiting for you in the relationship. You wouldn't have dealt with your inner reactions without that person triggering these reactions from inside you. So for a moment, sit tight and walk your process - sort out yourself and soon enough the relationship will sort itself out as you change yourself and your relationship to the other being".


And this person was right and I am grateful for taking their advice - I worked and still working on my relationship with people and slowly developing a level of intimacy within each friendship-relationship that I am walking with another. What I also took from this moment was seeing the gift/potential in any single reaction that I have towards anything or anyone - the opportunity to really have a deep look inside myself until I find the misalignments that I am able to change which from there I continue walking until the next misalignment present itself.

I do not allow myself to go into the pattern of isolation and I am now busy integrating the correction within the relationship with other people in my life whereas, when a friction/conflict comes up - I do not run away from it, I will check myself, I will sort out myself and I will communicate the point with the other to find a resolution that is supporting for us. Thus, in practicality, seeing the potential in myself in relation to other people isn't something that can be clearly define before it manifest - it is something that I can indefinably see that if I allow myself to develop and perfect the relationship with myself and another, we will empower, expand and grow ourselves to become our utmost potential.


Art work: Found on