"Recently, it became more evident that I am following a religion, the religion of myself; a religion that I've wrote with my own blood, flesh and the entire body; a religion that I follow so dearly without realizing that within this religion of myself, I have diminished and compromised myself to such an extent that self-worth, self-respect and self-value are just titles I can give to myself through the validation of others. In other words, in the religion that I lived by, the first commandment was- You shall be Valued, Worthy and Respected only if others will…"
I haven't published that blog as I planned to walk the point first as myself, as the living change and then share it with the world as a point of support.
Bernard was pushing this point more and more recently so that I could finally make a decision - to either trust myself completely and unconditionally or to always remain a slave where I require glorifications from others to be able to validate myself. Within my current responsibilities, I was directly working with Bernard as I took on a position that requires Specificity, Responsibility and Certainty and most importantly self-trust. Though, the one thing I feared the most was making mistakes - since a mistake won't only influence my life, but the lives of many others. Bernard never gave me the answers but instead, insisted that I will first look at the point for myself, assess all things, all outcomes and make decisions.
So, a week ago, I started to practically apply Self Trust wherein I would make a decision, be comfortable with the decision, check myself, cross reference myself and then, once the decision was applied, I would share it with him as a 'By the way' thing and he would either say 'cool' or 'have you looked at…' or 'have you considered that' or 'Maya, your voice tonality shows that your decision was done within a starting point of a reaction so what is the reaction all about?'.
But then he died, and I cannot say that I transcended the point yet. In fact, my physical body shows that there is still unresolved points that I haven't considered or effectively applied. The trust point, in my back where the pain shows that there is a part of me that cannot trust myself without Bernard being here to support me within the decisions that I make and the decisions that I will have to make.
So my back is stiff, sore, constricted and basically, that point in my back is now weak as the support structure I've created for myself in separation of myself/body is nonexistent, as I have separated the self-trust into a relationship with Bernard, trusting him more than I trusted myself and in this exists the separation. Now I have to teach myself to trust myself so absolutely - so that no matter what I face, I am stable within myself.
I must create my own support structure wherein Self Honesty, Assessing all things and deciding on that which would result in the outcome that is best for all is practically applied within each breath I take. To trust myself that when I make a mistake, I learn from the mistake, I correct myself and practically change - "simple" as Bernard used to say.
So I commit myself to learn to trust myself unconditionally and to support myself and become the support Bernard stood as and in a way still standing, for me and for others.